Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout Wil?

WILkileaks Competition

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Thanks to everyone who took part in the mailing list competition to win a copy of the new edition of my DVD Wilosophy. Some were outrageous, some were unprintable, many were libelous and some contained images I will never get out of my head, but most were excellent and made sure I spent my Christmas overseas with a smile on my face.


Sorry I didn’t respond to them all individually, there were just too many, but I did read them all and enjoyed the effort people went to.


For those who missed it, the contest was pretty simple: Come up with the secrets you wish had actually been revealed by Wikileaks. These were some of my favourite entries:


Kahlia: “Julia Gillard is a cyborg sent from the future to destroy Kevin Rudd.”


James: “That the inventors of the Bathurst 1000 escaped from a mental asylum. What is more pointless than turning up to a track, dressed in a bintang shirt and sporting a beard that is longer than the actual hair on your head? Honestly Wil if I wanted to see things go round and round, without an end in sight, I’d have taken more interest in Britney Spears’ career!”


Matt: “John Howard’s eyebrows are actually a bushy tail possum with its tail spread apart!”


Jason: “That The Stig from Top Gear is actually you, Wil Anderson.”


Jamie: “I wish they had revealed what happened when you go into the light on the Island.”


Benjamin: “That Tiger Woods is actually part merman. The guy looks like a fucking fish, has nobody else noticed this? All bulgy thyroid eyes and rubbery groper-like lips. (Ha - groper). It's like everyone conscientiously chooses to avoid noticing this, like they did for so long with Paris Hilton's bung eye. It's infuriating!”


Dave: “The real reason behind the cancellation of The Glass House.”


Thomas: “Who is on Santa’s naughty and nice list?”


Natalie: “That I managed to lie to my sister that I did karate for many years when she was younger. Take that!”


RJ: “That a suspected terrorist being held in Guantanamo Bay for invasion of air space was actually good old Saint Nick.  The reindeer are still unaccounted for!”


Mark: “What the HELL happened at Scores?! Seeing as Kevin Rudd himself can’t remember what happened back in 2003, he would surely appreciate the leak as well. The image of KRudd shoving $1 bills in a sparkling g-string is simply too funny to imagine, and if Julian Assange could arrange YouTube footage, that would top it off!”


“KRudd would surely begin acting like a 12 year old boy the moment he got within 2 meters of a naked boob. We want answers- was KRuss slamming Yaga-bombs? Was he ejected for trying to touch the dancers? Or more concerning, was the former Shadow Foreign Affairs Minister acting inappropriately in the shadows of the Scores lap dance room?”


Kysira: “That Alexander Downer’s secret nickname was Rashman, because he always showed up to meetings itching around his fishnets.”


Russell: “Shane Warne’s little black book and all the names and numbers that were in there.”


ZZBHS: “George W. Bush is actually a lifesize hand puppet that can fit 9 conservatives’ hands up his butt at one time.”


But my favourite three were:


Peter: “The compromising (St Kilda footballer-type) photos that Darryl Somers holds of top Channel 9 executives that he uses as black-mail them into keeping HHIS on air.”


Melissa: “Hover boards from Back To The Future Part 2 have actually been invented but have been kept to only be used in secret by governments all over the world!”


And the winner, for sheer inventiveness, madness, and my suspicion that is might actually be true is:


Glenn: “What I really hoped would have been revealed, was that James Tobin was really a female ASIO spy 'planted' to uncover who is behind all that cheesy crap that gets served up to us as a 'morning show', and that the brown mole that keeps peering at us from Nat's chest was really a disguised camera...  as she's also there as his sidekick.”