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Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout Wil?Shit Puns HappenThursday, February 10, 2011
Okay, I am sure by now everyone is right across the story about Tony Abbott saying “shit happens” while he was in Afghanistan and all the subsequent hoo and/or hah that ensued when Channel 7 dug it up, took it out of context, and confronted him with it.
I’m also sure by now most of you have made up your own mind about who was in the wrong (for some reason as far as I can work out Ben Elton seems to be getting most of the blame) so for what it’s worth let’s get my thoughts out of the way quickly so we can get on with what I really brought you all here for today, making stupid word-play jokes.
First the big one: Do I think Tony Abbott was being intentionally mean-spirited or insensitive when he made his “shit happens” comment while visiting the troops? No. Or in language Tony would probably appreciate more “shit no”.
Do I think Mark Riley trapped in a horrible little piece of “gotcha” journalism that does nothing for the reputation of Australian political discourse and lowers further the already shitty reputation of commercial TV current affairs?. Shit yeah.
Does this sort of gutter journalism come as a surprise to me from a network that calls Today Tonight a “current affairs program” when most of the stories are actually things like “Is your washing machine making you fat?” Not one bit.
Even though it was an unfair trap from Mark Riley, did Tony Abbott react incredibly badly for someone who a) had been given notice that the issue was going to be raised, no matter how unfairly, and b) whose job it is to be able to think on their feet in pressure situations? Yes, yes, and yes.
(I mean imagine for a minute if Tony had been PM, and another world leader had hit him with a tricky question like that, and Tony had just stood there and done his impression of the sideshow clown waiting for someone to put their balls in his mouth.)
So I guess the big question is, what next for Tony Abbott?
Personally I always think when you fuck something up (and believe me this is an area where I have plenty of experience) you should either apologise or own it.
So far it doesn’t seem like Tony wants to say sorry, so I suggest he instead embraces it. Forget Stop The Boats, or Big New Tax, his new slogan should be simply Shit Happens.
In fact he could even go a step further and get his daughters a new reality show on Ch 9 “Shit Happens My Dad Says”.
In fact, why stop there?
Next time a boat filled with asylum seekers arrives on the Australian shore, instead of demanding they be sent to Christmas Island, he should just shrug his shoulders and say: “Ah well, Ship Happens!”;
When asked about what he thought of the new Ben Elton show Live From Planet Earth he could say: “Skit Happens”;
When offering advice on how to keep the spice alive sexually in a committed Catholic marriage he could lean in and whisper: “Clit Happens”;
When asked by a pesky journalist about the rise of hate groups in Australia, especially membership of the Ku Klux Klan he could reply: “Ah, Sheet Happens”;
When asked about the Australian government film funding for the new Wolverine sequel he could even say “Snikt Happens”; (That is one for the comic book nerds!)
When making comments about bikies buying cold and flu tablets in order to manufacture meth he could say: “Well clearly the problem here is that Script Happens!”;
Or what happens when he has some stubble and needs a shave? “Schick Happens”;
But all joking aside it doesn’t have to be flippant stuff. Maybe you want to know Tony’s policy on protecting the traditional languages of Hinduism and Buddhism: “Sanskrit Happens”;
It really has an amazing variety of uses and applications:
It would be helpful l when asked about his opinion on England retaining the Ashes? “Brit Happens”;
Or ordering a bacon, lettuce, avocado and tomato sandwich for his lunch? “BLAT Happens”;
Or asked which movie he thinks is going to take home the Oscar? “True Grit Happens”;
Or what he thought of the TV series remake of Knight Rider? “Kitt Happens”;
Or what happens when your kid comes home from school with an itchy head? “Nit Happens”;
Or if he is a fan of the ABC’s First Tuesday Of The Month Book Club? “Lit Happens”;
Or where the best place to study journalism in Melbourne is? “RMIT Happens”;
Or when asked what Ubu does at the end of TV shows? “Sit Happens”;
Or what happens to Kevin Rudd when he goes to the Scores Nightclub? “Tit Happens”;
Or what happens to his back when he wears his sweaty lycra too long after a bike ride? “Zit Happens”;
Or what his lawyers will issue when they read this ridiculous blog? “Writ Happens”
Or even his policy on combating childhood obesity through exercise? “Fit Happens”; (I guess this could also apply to his policy on epilepsy, but Tony would never say anything in bad taste like that.)
And last, but not least, what will happen if this incident drops his poll ratings too low. Yes, that’s right, “Quit Happens”.
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Comments
I have written possibly the stupidest blog of all-time, but if you have nothing better to do it's here: http://wilanderson.com.au/index.html
I hope writ doesn't happen ~ & where can we get what you're having :)
P.S. re: what may become of any of us lucky enough to be mentioned in the blog post:
Scripture happens!
refer to phrophecy
God bless, & please can we have a bible verse of the day on http://wilanderson.com.au ~ like all respectable news sheets :)
Sheets happen,
Robert @JesusBranch via http://twitter.com/#!/twitter
"Pitt happens."
Matt Butcher gets King Hit happens.
What, too soon? Probably.
P.S. Sharni's was terrible ..
the way to get better their head of hair problems although those of you devices just enjoys the problem but instead aggravates the consequence more and more